It’s been one year since my miscarriage.
It was actually yesterday.
A lot happens in a year. But that’s not news.
I want to say that this year was really hard. But it wasn’t. Not that it wasn’t hard. But it wasn’t my hardest. I am stronger now than I’ve ever been.
I guess what I’m saying is that loosing my baby was the hardest thing I’ve faced yet. It changed me. The world isn’t the same anymore. I’m not the same anymore.
I had lows where I thought ending my life was the answer, but I haven’t been there in this last year. In fact I didn’t even really go there when I lost, I think it made me value life more.
This year, a lot changed. I got on birth control, and not the pill type that I would often forget to take. I got the implant in my arm. I don’t get horribly emotional for that “time of the month” anymore. Those hormones were really messing with me. And I’m reassured that the next time I get pregnant will be when I am ready, and with someone that is also ready.
I stopped talking to my angel baby’s father April of last year. We haven’t talked since. I still peak at his Instagram occasionally, but I know it’s best he’s out of my life.
I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. I have “moments” now, but not days or weeks or months of depression.
No matter what, I still wish with every bit of me that things would have went differently. That I would have my baby today. He (or she) would have been five months old by now.
The other day a coworker of mine confided in me about her pregnancy, asking me about mine with my daughter. I didn’t want to bring up my experience with my miscarriage pregnancy, but then she told me her last ended in a miscarriage at 8 weeks. So I told her I had one too. I asked her due date and she said October. I felt a sting to my chest. Harlow’s due date was October, and she was as far along as I was when I miscarried. I felt a wave a grief. But I was still able to be happy for her, and hopeful.
No one else remembered this day. Not one family member or friend of mine. And I don’t necessarily blame them, but it still hurts.
I guess if it’s not something you’ve experience then you really don’t know..
Rest In Peace Harlow. Mommy misses you more than anything.