He finally got back and we spent the weekend together. Nothing was the same. We were both being torn apart by our differences in beliefs, values, upbringing, and this decision we now faced. This was only the beginning.
“I don’t think anyone “likes” the idea of abortion. But there’s people who agree that sometimes it’s the best option, and those who don’t. I know for a fact I couldn’t give a child what they deserve at this stage in my life and I would hate myself for that forever. I’m scared to death that you’ll say it’s your body and completely disregard how I feel because you get mad at me or something and then my whole life is in the hands of someone else. This is literally killing me inside. You even said “I’ll do this all myself.” Before you left. It’s like the threats are already happening.”
“I do think abortion is our best option. We are both not financially prepared and that would be a harsh environment on that baby and I hate the idea of that. I’m not emotionally or prepared maturity wise to have a child. I want us rather to be saving up and be married and be prepared to bring a life into this world. I know that it’s against your values and I don’t like the idea of it too much either, but it really is our best option. We both said we didn’t want this to happen. And I believe that’s why this is the best option. If we did do this, I want you to know that I would be there for you through it all; and yes, it would hurt, but I believe it’s the right thing to do.”
“I want you to know that despite how hard it would be, and how much pain we would have to help each other get through. I think it would bring us closer together. I know that overcoming your values to make a choice like that would be incredibly hard, but I would respect the fact that if you did it, that you made the right choice for BOTH of us. I just need you to know that it would be the right choice though. I really do understand that it would hurt you emotionally, but I’ll be there with you every step of the way and I promise you we will make it through this.”
Those were the texts I received from him after leaving his house that Sunday morning.
He had a point, we weren’t prepared. We weren’t prepared for any of this. What had we even been doing? Why had we never discussed these “what if’s” before this situation occurred. Why had we not been more careful.
What his texts don’t say, is that he will be there for me no matter what. Specifically he states that if I go through with this (abortion) then he will be there for me. He hopes that I can overcome my values, but he doesn’t offer to give up any of his.
Was this love? Was this a relationship that could get through anything? I was really beginning to wonder.
He talked in terms of logic, but there was so more to it than that.
I read stories of women and their regret. I read stories of women and their pain. I read stories of women facing miscarriage, and hurting deeply for the loss that he was suggesting I CHOOSE.
I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t do it.
I was caught between making the ultimate sacrifice for a relationship that may or may not last, and loosing someone I found myself loving deeply and wanting a future with.